


Sir Five is a Dick

by GabeYells



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Asshole Number Five, BAMF Allison Hargreeves, BAMF Number Five | The Boy, BAMF Vanya Hargreeves, F/M, Luther Hargreeves is Tired of Five's Shit, M/M, Number Five is the Chosen One, Protective Number Five | The Boy, Reluctant Chosen One, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:40:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23558500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GabeYells/pseuds/GabeYells
Summary: They say that the Goddess of Life blessed Sir Five of Hargrove with his face so that every time She would look down on Earth, She’d see his face and smile.Rumors suggest that the Goddess cursed him with his mouth so that She’d remember not to give Humanity too many favors.“Unfortunately,” the drunks in the Umbrella Tavern would whisper. “She made him too unpleasant, so the Goddess sent Vanya so that he’d have something nice to say for a change."
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & The Hargreeves (Umbrella Academy), Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Comments: 23
Kudos: 260





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The extended title of this story is "Five Times Sir Five is a Dick, and the Five Times He Isn’t Because Lady Vanya is There." So if you wanted a serious fic with the Umbrella Academy in a high-fantasy setting - this isn't it.

_**The Rumors About Sir Five Are Definitely Not Not True** _

Vanya doesn’t take too kindly to rumors about Sir Five of Hargrove. Mostly because some of the rumors about the good knight – the kingdom’s _greatest_ knight, as a matter of fact – were supremely unkind, when the man himself was a gentleman. True, he can be blunt and frank, but it’s only because he has no patience for sweet half-truths and would rather be honest to your face.

(She may be a little biased, as it’s an open secret amongst all who know her that ever since Sir Five complimented her on rescuing herself from the grabby hands of a customer larger and drunker than her, she’s been falling a little bit in love with him each day.) 

And often, when she hears the drunks at the tavern whisper otherwise behind their tankards of mead, she’s quick to set them straight. “Sir Five merely staunchly upholds honor and honesty, and doesn’t suffer fools,” she’d tell them. The regulars, who’ve heard this song a few too many times, will only roll their eyes and smile to themselves. “He’s always been kind to me,” she continues as primly as a barmaid like her can. 

The regulars don’t tell her that he’s always been kind to _only_ her.

Five doesn’t take kindly to rumors about himself – cause they’re most often inconveniently true, or close enough for Vanya to hear. Yes, he _is_ cantankerous, and as rude as the Goddess of Evil was beautiful. He _is_ an insubordinate asshole with the mouth of a dyspeptic old geezer, and yes, he did enjoy _every minute that he was deliberately being difficult._

(It’s an open secret throughout the kingdom that Sir Five’s devastatingly handsome face could launch a thousand ships in his honor, and that his general disposition could sink them all.) 

But it’s best that Vanya, the lovely barmaid from the Umbrella Tavern in Reginald Street, never finds out about it. So when the drunks at the bar – often groups of his long-suffering fellow knights, disgruntled squires, and other poor human beings who’ve had the misfortune of being at the other end of his ire – like to bemoan about their experiences in the biggest tavern in town, they have to be careful to whisper their protest, lest Sir Five learns that they spoke within hearing range of the woman he’s been courting for months now. 

Vanya likes a kind man in uniform, she doesn’t need to know that he’s only that man with _her._


	2. I.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once upon a time, a knight rode off to save a princess. He rescued her from a band of rogues, and brought her home to safety. And they all lived happily ever after.

_**I.** ___

____

Princess Allison of Hargrove Kingdom once wrote an insidious piece of poetry regarding the time Sir Five rescued her from a band of rogues. He was explicitly mentioned four times, and she’d called him a right bastard in eight different, very creative lines of prose. 

____

The princess, of course, didn’t need to be saved. Within four hours of being kidnapped for ransom, she’d managed to instigate, with just her words, an impressive degree of infighting – causing vicious and literal backstabbing – amongst her kidnappers. She spent quite a while just lazing with her blanket of loose rope, and idly egging on the other rogues whenever she felt that it got too quiet. 

____

She had just finished off the last of the rogues herself (with his own prized dagger) when Sir Five finally arrived. 

____

Sir Five had been sent to retrieve her (he had a whole team of men assigned to assist him that he promptly left behind because they’d only slow him down). When he realized that the situation – which he rightfully predicted wouldn’t require him, as Princess Allison was a force of nature on her own – had already resolved itself, he immediately turned his horse around and attempted to leave the angry princess behind. It had all been a waste of his time, see, and he was running late to a violin performance in the town square later tonight. 

____

He didn’t make it very far, for the princess had a terrifying power to convince people to do what she wanted, but he didn’t make it _easy._

____

“The rest of the men could’ve fetched you; I’d have pointed them your way.” He said as he and the fuming princess galloped back to the castle. The princess just stabbed his side with one of her pins. He very nearly pushed her off his horse. 

____

“Kick me off this horse and I’ll tell your barmaid you’re a prick. Then you’ll never get her to talk to you.” 

____

And that's how Princess Allison stayed on Mr. Pennycrumb the rest of the way home. 

____

____

Sir Five will forever grouch about the fact that Princess Allison knew Vanya first. She will hold that card over him until the day he dies (and you best believe she did).

____

See, Lady Vanya was the daughter of a fallen noble, and had served as Princess Allison’s lady-in-waiting for a considerable length of time. They weren’t very close as children, or as emotional teens. Lady Vanya was plain and contained for a very long time, an unfortunate mismatch to Princess Allison’s colorful and outspoken personality.

____

But years later, the noble house that the lady belonged to fell. Now known as just Vanya, she left for a year or so to settle what's left of her estate, and returned to run a tavern with what was left of her inheritance. Months later, a wiser, more mature Princess Allison reappeared in her life (possibly after finding out that she has the best liquor in town and the princess at the time was doing a lovely secret bar crawl), and decided to strike up a friendship they both used to scorn the idea of. Now they’re as close as two sisters can be. 

____

And on the night when Sir Five first gathered the courage to strike up a conversation with the pretty barmaid who captured his fancy a fortnight ago, he just about crushed the books he’d brought with him as gifts when he saw the evil harpy she was hugging fondly. 

____

Princess Allison had a shit-eating grin on her face for days after that, and she had Sir Five for a lapdog for a satisfying period of time. 

____


	3. II.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There once was a bard travelling to and fro', bringing joy and laughter felt from head to toe. 
> 
> On one faithful night, he met the Golden Knight, all shiny and bright, and oh! t'was a sight!
> 
> He sang the Golden Knight a beautiful song, that gave good spirits all night long.

_**II.** _

Klaus the Travelling Bard once read the most backhanded piece of prose in all of the seven kingdoms, and he immediately turned it into a song. It was written, according to some rumors, by the most famous princess in all the land, and on a good day, that was enough to get the coins flowing in. But it had the added bonus of having some absolutely filthy, beautifully scandalous descriptions of illicit scenes, and the most pointed lines were about the realm’s Golden Knight, the hero who slayed the evil Mage King who sought to enslave the land. 

The song was a hit, of course. He’d also ensured that the funniest parts were catchy to the point that it spread like a plague. It was so well-known, in fact, that he almost got murdered for it by one of the song’s subjects (he may have added a few more lines that he wasn’t entirely sure were true, it’s totally unresearched, but perfectly hilarious). 

Klaus the Travelling Bard knew he reached the big leagues when Sir Five, the Golden Knight of Hargrove, knew who he was. He even half expected the sword that had been thrown straight at his throat (he added more fun lines to his song after this – and he made sure 3/4ths of it were about the knight’s virility). 

Klaus almost lost his life that night, but lucky for him Sir Five needed someone who can communicate with spirits. It’s not something Klaus actively strives to do, as ghosts and spirits can kill the vibe – and your boner – faster than a bad joke can in a room filled with bad sports, but Sir Five's "smiling" face is a great motivator. (The man looks like an angry wolf.) 

Sir Five had been tasked to hunt down a necromancer stirring up an army in a town nearby, so Klaus magnanimously offered his services (read: Sir Five promised not to kill him _that night_ and his men offered him booze). 

It wasn’t a bad night in the end; Klaus got to hang with a few ghosts that he quieted down nicely with what had to be the best ale he’d ever tasted (he’s definitely ardently looking for where to get more of it when he wakes up the next morning). He also had a fantastic lay – a ranger from the Forests of Icarus had a fantastic way with his fingers. He also gets “to keep his life indefinitely” _and_ he had enough material for another hit. 

(And he added more fun lines to his song – and 3/4ths of it were about the Golden Knight’s Golden Frustration.) 

Sir Five should’ve killed the bard when he had the chance. 

Klaus the Travelling Bard had found a favorite haunt in Hargrove Kingdom. It was his favorite for many reasons, one, the liquor in Umbrella Tavern was _fantastic;_ two, the barmaid, Vanya, often accompanied his japes and songs with her violin, and it always earned him extras in tips; and three, Vanya was just very nice and she made for good company (and she’d let him crash in one of her rooms when he’s wasted to pits, and she helps him flirt shamelessly with her best bartender, Dave). 

Vanya might just be the bestest friend he’d had on this side of the realm, but she had _one_ very jarring character flaw: she was a _complete_ Golden Knight Girl. They were the girls who believed the propaganda about the Golden Knight of Hargrove Who Could Do No Wrong. And eventually these sorry ladies would be absolutely heartbroken when they meet the Chosen One and find that he’s an ornery jackass with almost no positive social skills. 

Worse off, Vanya has banned Klaus from singing his _One Hit Song_ , in the biggest and most popular tavern in town. It doesn’t matter much, as his tips when he sings with Vanya usually make up for the difference, but what does twist his stomach is that his new-found friend is in danger of having her heart ripped to pieces. 

He says as much to Dave one night, as they lay in all their post-sex glory in one of the tavern’s spare bedrooms. 

Dave has the nerve to laugh at him. It almost makes Klaus withhold sex. Almost. 

Klaus finds out why Dave laughed when he sees Sir Five of Hargrove flirting with Vanya the next day. He’s helping her set up the tables, a beatific smile on his face every time Vanya graces him with hers. 

_Oh,_ Klaus thinks. 

_“Oh,”_ Klaus sings mischievously. 

(His next song wasn’t as big a hit, but it was definitely a Hargrove favorite, given how accurate the story of The Bastard Bear and the Barmaid Fair was.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sir Five is too thin to be a bear, but Klaus needed everything to rhyme.


	4. III.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This is the tale of Sir Diego of Gymsdale, Savior of the Forests of Icarus, Friend of the Golden Knight."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is longer than the others due to an impressive amount of backstory and plot I have to put in for everything to make sense by the end. From this point on, I will try to actually make the stories connect, and bring it together with the world I created. Hopefully this all works out well, even though I most assuredly half-assed the worldbuilding here.

_**III. _ ****_**_

Sir Diego, son of Lady Grace of Gymdale, Chief Ranger of Icarus Forest, shockingly, happened to have the dangerous position of being Sir Five’s best friend. 

_**_****_ ** _

_**_****_ ** _

It helps, see, that they can both be as stubborn and argumentative as the other. (And while Lord Diego can be charming with some people, Sir Five chooses to be charming with just one person.) It also helps that Diego can keep up with Sir Five’s unpleasant demeanor, and exude a similar attitude that compliments it. The amount of trouble and punishments they’ve gotten from their shared lack of respect for authority has made them unlikely partners, as well as unbelievably loyal to each other. 

_**_****_ ** _

_**_****_ ** _

(Like recognizes like.) 

_**_****_ ** _

_**_****_ ** _

Everyone is often surprised that Sir Five even has someone they can safely call his friend, but no one is more surprised than Diego himself, for never in his life had he ever expected to be the least threatening one in a relationship. Or the more responsible one. 

_**_****_ ** _

Sir Diego used to be Lord Diego of Gymdale, who grew up with a fierce rivalry against his very distant cousin, the perfect and golden Lord Luther of Moonshire. 

Before the Golden Knight of Hargrove took up a sword against the Mage King Handler, Lord Luther of Moonshire was known as the Golden Son, for he was born perfect in almost every way. He was born big, and he grew up _bigger _, and he was also the most honorable and respectable lordling in all the land (and was King Reginald’s favorite nephew to boot).__

____

All of this didn’t make Diego hate Luther, but having the misfortune of being born on the same day as him certainly ensured that he will forever curse the ground Luther walked on (Luther gets all the biggest gifts and Diego spent years being compared to a giant baby and he had a stutter for a while and it’s all enough to give any man a complex). 

____

Lord Diego eventually decided that he’d have a better time being good at the few shit that Lord Luther wasn’t, so he threw off the mantle of Lord, kissed his mother goodbye, and set off to rid the Forests of Icarus of its demons. He became known as the Ranger of Icarus Forest (having successfully driven off the demons in less than four years) by the time the Mage King Handler rose to try and enslave the Seven Kingdoms. 

____

He was immediately conscripted to be part of the King’s Army, but was subsequently kicked out for insubordination (to this day he insists that it’s not his fault everyone moved too slowly for his liking and his instincts were better than his commanding officers’). He then spent a good six moons travelling around the land destroying pockets of the Mage King’s army single-handedly. 

____

And he had a nice life as a one-man army, he really did. It gained him respect and recognition, and he didn’t have to answer to any authority figure that bore the insignia of the Hargreeves Throne. He hadn’t even cared that Lord Luther had risen to the rank of _General _of the army, and that he was known throughout the land as the Hargrove Giant. There was a war going on; Diego was doing what he can and he lived for it.__

______ _ _

But one day, the Oracle, a frail-looking old mage named Pogo, announced that the Chosen One – the blessed golden knight sent by the Goddess of Life herself to stop the blight that threatens all life and bring balance to the land – had come into his power. 

______ _ _

(At this point, the army was spread thin, and more than half the lands were already taken by the Mage King’s armies. The Chosen One’s rising had been a great piece of news that they needed like six months ago, but better late than never – they'll take what they can get.) 

______ _ _

The Oracle had also predicted – accurately, but not for the reasons he thought of – that the journey to find the Chosen One would be difficult, as he was born deep into the territory of the Mage King. So, King Reginald announced to his people that he will gather the most powerful men in the land (the ones he can spare, anyway) to find him. 

______ _ _

He chose the Hargrove Giant to lead the unit, given that he was apparently the greatest, and most successful knight in the land. 

______ _ _

Diego and his six months of being a one-man army didn’t agree with that. 

______ _ _

So the man kissed his mother goodbye and rode off to meet the marching regiment that Lord Luther commanded. 

______ _ _

“You’re never getting through Handler’s armies without me,” Diego announced – once he singlehandedly defeated a group of the Mage King’s soldiers right in front of the awestruck regiment (except for Lord Luther, who rolled his eyes – he can do that too). He may also said a couple of choice things after that lead to a short but vicious fistfight between him and the Hargrove Giant (he was faster, but Luther was a _giant _) but everyone agreed in the end that it was better to have him onboard than not at all.__

________ _ _ _ _

They didn’t have much infighting during the rest of the journey, as the Mage King’s territory was exactly as the rumors said it was – cold, spartan, and cruel. There was an unsettling order and peace throughout the land that ensured everyone enslaved under it were irritatingly bureaucratic – “perfectly happy and content” every second of the day even as they were under constant threat of death, dismemberment, and unemployment (which also meant death). 

________ _ _ _ _

The party was also continuously attacked by skilled warriors in smiling porcelain masks in the weeks leading to their discovery of the Chosen One. 

________ _ _ _ _

When they found him, he was cooped up in a tower of scholars, scribbling runes all over the walls in a mad frenzy. 

________ _ _ _ _

The Chosen One was easily identified by his devastating good looks (Diego definitely noticed), and his being the only one in a smiling hellscape to be ill-humored and crotchety. (He could also be identified by his powers: he can slip between spaces and be anywhere he likes at any given time, he has an almost inhuman intellect, and a one-of-a-kind talent for murder.) 

________ _ _ _ _

He was also, in Diego’s opinion, the most difficult part of the quest, as he was unwilling to go anywhere, especially with the bruised and battered leftovers of an army. (The unit started with 70 soldiers, not including him and Luther, that eventually dwindled down to 11 lucky survivors.) He refused to leave the tower, his research, and his bust of Saint Delores the Just, behind. 

________ _ _ _ _

“You were literally born to defeat the Mage King,” a very tired Diego bit out. 

________ _ _ _ _

“I was born to _bring balance to the land _,” snapped the Chosen One. “Not play wargames with Handler.”__

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

They’ve tried to capture the Chosen One instead after that, but he proved to have a terrifying capacity for cold and clean violence, and had the nerve to be unwilling to be abducted. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

He had killed no one in the five days they all spent trying to capture him (even though by the end of it even Luther was willing to crush a few of his bones) when the Mage King showed herself and unwittingly helped sway him to their side. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mage King Handler had made herself known by attempting to kill him, which honestly should’ve been what finally encouraged Five to join Diego and Luther, but what really prompted him was the destruction of his tower, with all his research blown to dust. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

(And he may have grown to like Diego and Luther in his own way.) 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

The Chosen One apparently spent years on that tower, researching his destiny, writing equations and runes, and was decidedly close to a breakthrough before the Mage King blew it up to smithereens. In retaliation for this slight he plunged one of Diego’s knives deep into the eye of the Mage King, blew up one of her castles, and ensured that she lost a good chunk of her enchanted equipment, before accompanying an awestruck Luther and Diego home. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

It took a few months for their unit to reach the Chosen One, but only half a day to get home, as the Chosen One, whose name is Five by the way, grabbed Luthor and Diego by their shoulders and threw them into the space between spaces a few times. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

All of this was enough to earn Diego’s begrudging, but undying respect, but what really set him and Five on the fast track to becoming friends was the man’s dogged determination to be impishly unaccommodating to King Reginald. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

It took Five three days to agree to being _part _of a unit (having him lead was out of the question), and he responded positively to no one but Diego, Luther, and Princess Allison (who had a way with words). Seven days and countless bargains were spent ensuring that he can and will address King Reginald with respect (he refused to even say his name). And three more days were dedicated to stop him from committing little acts of evil that would inconvenience only King Reginald and his most trusted advisors.__

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Having been the subject of King Reginald’s own form of encouragement (the king liked to pit him against Luther to “enhance his potential”), he took very kindly to Five being unwilling to play puppet to the king’s strings. But what made him Five’s friend was the fact that he could put up with Five being an asshole, and be an asshole right back. 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

And when Five finally started being part of a unit that was led by Luther and Diego (in name, they promised him), they found that they all worked really well together, especially whenever Princess Allison decided to join their crusade against evil. They’d made a rowdy little party of knights on a quest to soundly defeat the Mage King and her vast army and territories. 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

And in a move so gradual neither of them even noticed it until it was too late (after a number of near-death experiences), Sir Diego of Gymsdale and Icarus Forest became Sir Five of Hargrove’s best friend. 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_**_****_ ** _

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_**_****_ ** _

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sir Five will always be proud of how he thoroughly ruined any chances of an arranged marriage happening between Sir Diego of Gymsdale and Lady Vanya of Icarus.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

It started when Sir Five of Hargrove first meets Vanya the barmaid. She had just sliced another man’s arm with a violin bow after she caught him reaching dangerously for the space between her legs. Five didn’t know it yet, but he fell in love right then and there. 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Unfortunately, Five had grown up around anti-social scholars in a mad realm ruled by power-hungry and maniacal bureaucrats, so he was completely unaware of why he found himself smiling every time he recalled how impressively brutal the tiny barmaid in Umbrella Tavern was. Regardless, he resolved to come back again because the liquor was indescribable and the entertainment was bewitching. 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Five may have the misfortune to have the conversation skills of a teaspoon, but luckily for him, he was handsome and had definitely charmed Vanya by complimenting her on the way she protected herself (Five can appreciate well-executed self-defense, and had more to say about it than most other topics). 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

They’ve had a bit of a rough start to their courtship, given how Five can’t hold a proper conversation without being offensive in some way, and Vanya can’t hold a proper conversation without apologizing for something. 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

To the surprise of almost everyone in the kingdom who knew them, instead of all of this backfiring spectacularly, and ending in an even more ill-tempered Chosen One and bad liquor from the best tavern in the kingdom, Vanya and Five get on pretty well. 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Vanya tempers Five’s mood, and he’s an all-around pleasant individual in regards to his barmaid (and he has ensured that no one breathes a word otherwise to her). The knights under Five’s command have taken to making sure that Five gets at least an hour of Vanya Time, cause he’s more human the next day. 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Diego and Luther have even made a point to bribe Five with anything related to Vanya, because after defeating the Mage King, he’s been bored as all hell and idle hands are the Goddess of All Evil’s workshop. 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

(Everyone just about checked the sky for flying pigs when they realized that Five had a positive effect on Vanya, but that’s a story for Sir Luther to tell.) 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

If it wasn’t too unbelievable to say out loud, people will say that courting Vanya had Sir Five walking on clouds. That is until he found out that his barmaid used to be _Lady Vanya of Icarus_ , and she had been betrothed to Sir Diego for a good long while _(since before they were born)_. 

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Logically speaking, Sir Five knew that nothing would ever happen between Diego and Vanya. The man liked Vanya, and they knew each other well, having grown up together (and _being betrothed _certainly helped), but Diego is an honorable man and he knew what it was like being stabbed by Five (it was an accident) so he would never make a move on Vanya.__

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

But Five wanted to be very sure. He wasn’t blind to the wealth of history Vanya and Diego had compared to him, and he can’t risk the idea that they may still be engaged should Vanya become the Lady of Icarus again. (He’s got plans laid out in case that was something Vanya wanted, because he firmly wants to hand her everything she deserves.) 

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

So, he plans. He can’t kill Diego, he likes his friend enough and he’s more tolerable than Luther. He can’t hurt the man either, because they’re friends, strangely enough. And he likes Diego’s company so he can’t send him far away. 

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The idea comes to him when he’s listening to A Very Irritating Prick (you know who he is) sing a strange tale about a bear: have Diego fall for someone else. Five only needs to find the most perfect person for Diego, someone so wonderful in the man’s eyes that he’d never look at Vanya in that way at all. 

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He finds Diego’s soulmate in Eudora Patch, a tailor’s daughter who joined the Knight's Watch years ago. She was strong and determined, with a moral fiber that made even Five respect her. And although she’s too much or a rule-follower for Five’s taste, she was just the right cocktail of amazing for Diego, who would worship the ground she walks on. 

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

All the Golden Knight really had to do was to point his friend in the right direction, and _there._

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eudora Patch and Diego fall in love just in time for Vanya’s tavern to open for the night. 

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

For the rest of the night, Eudora and Diego remain softly engaged in a conversation in one of the tables by the corner. Five spent a short while smirking up a storm on the other side of the room, but he then catches Vanya’s smile as she walks towards him with his favorite drink. 

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

(He doesn’t notice anyone else for a long time.)

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_**_****_ ** _

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The writer doesn't know how monarchies work, and at this point she's too afraid to ask, or incorporate it into this story. Rest assured that the titles don't actually matter. This is all still pure crack that I managed to put some semblance of plot into.


	5. IV.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Children, have you heard of the Giant of Hargrove? He was known throughout history as the most perfect knight of the Golden Age. He was powerful and dutiful, and he helped the Chosen One save the land from devastation. There are scores of books narrating his deeds from centuries before, and each story gets more heroic than the last. 
> 
> "He has done many wonderful deeds in his time, but perhaps the greatest of them all was that he was a good and loyal friend."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I liiiiive! The writer apologizes for taking so long in posting! The writer found a job! And the writer's job involves a crap ton of writing! So the writer didn't have a lot of free time. Luckily, she's back, baby!
> 
> Due to backstory and plot reasons, this chapter is again long af. I'm trying to get the ball rolling for the last two chapters. Yes, this story is gonna get SEVEN (7) chapters! WITH PLOT? HOW? 
> 
> I'm setting up to finish this before the second season of the Umbrella Academy is released, so that I don't beat myself up for any new inconsistencies or ships that may arise since the time I posted this fic.

IV.  


Lord Luther calls Sir Five a PR disaster on his good days. And he privately calls Five something more scandalously unpleasant on bad days.

Sometimes he sits on his desk filled with paperwork, and wonders what he did to deserve a never-ending headache.

Lord Luther of Moonshire was born all blond and perfectly healthy on a very good day, the most irritatingly good day one can imagine. The day had perfect weather, pleasantly cool. There were no crimes or fires to be put out. Legend has it that not even one thing went wrong in Moonshire when Lord Luther's mother went into labor. On the day of his birth, he gave his mother no more pain than was necessary, everything about the birth straightforward. He cried only once, possibly out of politeness, as if it was just to let the midwife know that he was alive and breathing all right .

He was never a very fussy baby too; he was always laughing and he responded well to even the most vigorous cheek pinching.

As he was growing up, the village soon delighted in the fact that he was a perfect little lord: he ate his vegetables, never complained about school work, and was courteous to all he came across. He was also proficient with swords and other weapons, and had to have new tutors every year cause sometimes they ran out of things to teach him.

He became even more perfect in people’s eyes when he met other children near his age. People loved comparing all the noble children, as it was rather easy to see where the others were lacking and he wasn’t. He spoke perfect sentences at three years old (which Lord Diego of Gymdale didn’t manage until he was 13, and Lady Vanya of Icarus didn’t speak at all until she was 6), he excelled in all types of academics, no matter the subject (Lord Diego did poorly in learning his history, and Princess Allison hated sums with a passion), and he only threw one tantrum per year, at perfectly justifiable times (Princess Allison used to make a lot of servants cry any day of the week, and Lady Vanya can destroy eardrums when she felt like it).

As he grew older, he gained more followers and supporters from all types of groups. So favored was he, that King Reginald allowed him to court Princess Allison (who might as well have hung the moon for Luther).

When the Mage King rose and declared war on freedom, it seemed like Lord Luther’s fame and glory rose nonstop. He grew to an impressive height, and became known throughout the land as a leader, a handsome knight made out of valor, chivalry, and strength – the people called him the Hargrove Giant. He was as tall as the enemies were vast, and so strong he could single-handedly throw a man off his horse. He never lost a battle, even though there was always one just around the corner (the Mage King’s armies seemed to replenish their ranks just in time for the next skirmish).

And if he looked more and more tired with every battle – it’s fine, he can handle it, he’s perfect, after all. He almost died one too many times, but he won, of course – it's to be expected.  
(Sometimes, the problem with being considered perfect for most of your life, is that you don’t notice how you break yourself to be flawless.)

His downward spiral began when he was made the leader of a small regiment of soldiers that would journey to find the Chosen One.

He met Lord Diego on the way, making a nuisance of himself by instigating a fistfight (Diego _definitely_ threw the first punch). To this day he maintains that he was winning the fight, but decided to stop for there were more important things to do than fight amongst his fellows (Diego maintains the exact same belief).

The harrowing journey that they went on lasted for months, and after that they had to contend with a Chosen One who decided to be difficult before joining their cause. 

But from the moment he saw Sir Five plunge a dagger into the Mage King’s eye, Luther knew they would win the war. It may have taken them three years to fully destroy her armies, topple her officials and her organization from the ground up, and effectively ensure that she was fired and dusted for good, but Luther never had a moment of doubt that Five wouldn’t be able to kill the Mage King. 

The real challenge, the one that kept Luther up at night and filled him with doubt, was keeping the Chosen One in line and making sure _he behaves._

Simply put: Sir Five is a little shit. A real asshole. If it weren’t for the prophecy vouching for him, Luther would firmly believe that the Goddess of All Evils gave birth to him Herself. If it weren’t for the fact that he defeated the Mage King, Luther wouldn’t be surprised to know he was the Blight. If Luther wasn’t so devoted to the Goddess of Life, he’d start a religion purely set against the Golden Pain in His Ass. 

You get the picture. 

If Princess Allison hadn’t taken charge of handling the stories and mythos of _Sir Five, the Golden Knight,_ Luther would’ve retired early and went back to Moonshire and become anything else but an overqualified babysitter for someone that acts like an old man.

While he would never wish for the return of the Mage King and the devastation she brought on the realm, Luther can readily admit that it was easier to make Sir Five seem like someone noble and worthy when there was a war happening.

The war kept Five busy, and he liked the challenge. He can stay up for days thinking of strategies and plans to reclaim territory, free civilians, and lower collateral damage. He once spent months surviving on an inhumanly low amount of sleep, working with mages and scholars from all around the Seven Kingdoms and devising a plan to stop the Mage King from reviving herself.

Battling a vast army of the dead even ensured that Five can be kept occupied for hours with no break. And it was easier for everyone to spread the idea that he was a “world-weary young man with a heavy burden on his shoulders,” who had “an undying spirit and desire to save his people,” instead of the ugly truth. So the king's most loyal men set out to make him and his story into that of the Golden Knight of Hargrove, and thousands of people under Allison’s employ made bank spreading lots of crackpot stories about his character.

And fortunately for them, when Sir Five was busy thinking out a strategy or solving a problem, he rarely opened his mouth.

And soon, on one faithful day, the Mage King died in an impressive battle that bathed Sir Five in icky yellow blood (that Allison expertly spun to be "golden blood as bright as morning's glow once it touched upon the Golden Knight"), after watching the last of her territory fall with a resounding surety.

In the days afterward, only then did Sir Five of Hargrove become aware of how popular he was – and he was incandescently unhappy about it.

When the war ended, the Hargrove kingdom had never been so popular, so beloved, and so powerful. Having the Chosen One really upped the prestige of the already grand kingdom. Hargrove had abruptly reached a golden age – the war supplied them with impressive military might, advanced magic and technology, and the _fucking Chosen One._ So King Reginald was determined to keep it that way by having his subjects milk whatever they can.

Hundreds of years from now, people will still get detailed accounts of the decades before, during, and after the war because it was all everyone seemed to talk about. And while a good amount of the praise for this feat can be given to Princess Allison for being very skilled with words and for being very good at getting people to do what she wanted, Luther deserved about the same amount just for making sure that Sir Five _didn’t fuck it all up by being himself._

Five bravely put up with the endless monotony of being a war hero for a while, even though he had to be paraded around and presented like a prize turkey. It was something he expected. What he didn’t foresee were the seas of people lining up to meet him, talk to him, touch him, love him, have his kids, and many more bothersome activities that strained the small amount of patience he had.

And then the stories about him really blew up to levels of unbelievable bullshit, and it got increasingly incredible over time.

It made his life, and by extension, his general disposition, very difficult.

Luther spends about an hour or two a day ensuring Five’s not killing someone, and is taking care of himself. Getting Five to work well with people wasn’t (usually) a problem if they were Allison or Diego, as he actually likes them in his own way. But he gets extra snippy if he has to work or deal with people who hasn’t earned his trust or respect through a rigorous trial by fire. A lot of people have to be bribed to keep silent about the fact that the Golden Knight of Hargrove can make a grown man cry with just his words and facial expression. And he scared off the squires forever too, when Luther and Squire Leonard had set off to retrieve him after he disappeared for a few months to go on a quest to stop a witch who lived in a swamp. They found him stinking to high heaven, looking like a wild animal, eating raw insects and animals for sustenance. 

(He stared Squire Leonard down while he bit the head off of a rat.) 

Five will never forget how Luther saved him from becoming spiraling into madness.

Four years into the Hargrove Kingdom’s golden age, it seemed as if Five was withering – though he grew even more erratic with each passing day.

He’d turned the sprawling mansion that he was rewarded with into his next tower of equations. Everything, from the undersides of the carpets, to the once-well decorated walls of each and every room, now sported terrifying symbols and numbers. There were magic circles carved into the floor, with the signs of continual usage obvious due to the presence of used candles littering the floor, of the ash drawing mad patterns that tell the story of a man who stopped caring, and of the bloody prints of a hero desperate enough to spill his own blood to find answers to his many questions.  
Luther only saw the entirety of it once, on a very worrying visit. With just a quick survey of the disaster on the manor, it was easy to guess that Sir Five was once again the crazy man in a tower, scribbling runes and mad with the lust for knowledge, muttering into himself.

At this point, Five barely showed up for meetings. At first it didn’t concern anyone much, but it became much more alarming when everyone realized that on the rare days he did show up, he wasn’t all entirely there.

He was still a bastard, make no mistake, but it seemed like he one who was running out of time. He was impatient, but passive, willing to be led around if it meant he could leave faster. He hardly snapped back when driven into conversation, he just blinked away.

What was running around Five’s mind?

Luther may have been brilliant, the golden child amongst other nobles, but he couldn't make heads or tails of what is going on. For some time after his most recent visit to the breeding ground for madness that was Five's residence, he makes sure that at least once or twice a month, Five is gallivanting around the kingdom on some dire mission or other. He also keeps his friend well-fed and watered (the amount of sugar Five can consume in a day is unholy but Luther is sure that the Goddess won’t allow him to die from diabetes). It helps for a while, but eventually Five gets smarter, faster. Luther is started to run out of battles for him to answer.

On a very dark day, so dark it painted Luther and Five in more muted colors, in drab grays and browns, all of Luther’s questions regarding the Chosen One’s strange behavior are answered.

Luther had been asleep when Five blinked into his bedroom all of a sudden and knocked over a silver pitcher of water. At the sound of silver hitting the floor, he wakes into a blind yet effective readiness to stand and defend himself. And even though the Chosen One proved several times that he can beat Luther to the ground blindfolded, stress and sleep deprivation (coupled with the pints of piss-flavored ale he's been drinking since two days ago) made him mortal in a metaphorical sense.

Half a decade of war is enough for certain defensive instincts to be honed to the sharpest of edges. And so when Five shows up unannounced, Luther spooks awake and sleepily rams into him. Five, for the first time in a very long amount of time, lost against the Giant of Hargrove by being slammed into a wall and knocked unconscious.

When Luther slowly returns to a more conscious state, he briefly wonders if he’d been right all along about Five secretly planning to kill him.

Five comes to the next day, looking as if he never managed to rest at all. There were worryingly dark bags underneath his eyes, and a slouch in his posture that he would never have approved of anyone seeing on him. He was so spent that Luther nearly had to help him up to use the bathroom.

Luther doesn’t know for sure what prompted Five to reveal what haunted him for months. Perhaps it was the stress, the burden of a shameful secret, or the call of duty Five couldn’t ignore any longer. Despite the tremendous weight coming off of his shoulders from finally letting someone in, he weaves the story out to Luther like a leaking faucet – a drop or two at a time.

Handler hadn’t been the end of the world for Five, but during the years-long war, he had let himself believe – hope, even – that killing the mage King might spell the fulfillment of his destiny.

“I saw the end of the world,” Five tells him, and the expression on his face drew lines on his face in a way that even the war with the Mage King never did. “And for a disgusting amount of time, it was all I knew.”

“It was shit, by the way.” Five adds. “And it will happen sooner than you think.”

And Luther didn't need to be convinced about this. He had fought enough battles with Five to know that nothing had ever held him back for too long. Even when faced with near impossible odds, Five had pulled them through death and fire, sure of himself and victorious beyond doubt.

So if the end of the world terrified him like this, then it could only ever be real.

From the look plastered on the Chosen One's face, Luther was sure that the apocalypse is the only thing Five is truly uncertain about.

Five only knew it would come in his lifetime, and it would be up to him to put a stop to it. He’d spent years trying to figure out the hows and whys and whens of it. The war had given him a much-needed reprieve (he let himself divert his attentions to something more immediate), but he knew there would come a time when his focus had to once again be directed into stopping the dreadful future he saw cresting on the horizon.

And now his rest was over. And he had people he cared about now. And he knew better than before what freedom and life looked like beyond the end of the world and the tower he spent most of his life in.

Now, Five of Hargrove is determined to drive himself to the ground if it meant ensuring the future.

Unfortunately, his best efforts led him nowhere. With no plans or leads in his sight, he eventually had to admit to himself that despite the song and praises, he was powerless to stop the end.

And after hitting a very low point in his self-esteem, he also slowly realized that the world was passing him by, leaving him behind. He knew that, like all beautiful things, it will eventually end – but this time it will go without him even experiencing all that it offered.

So, at the end of his rope, he finally gave in and asked for help.

The problem with being considered perfect for most of your life is that you don’t know how to help someone broken.

But Luther tries.

He ropes Allison and Diego into helping. Sometimes, their job is to get Five busy, away from his destiny, and more firmly in the present. They take up his attention, if and when he decides to give it. They stay until he comes back from long trips to lands far away, or far inside his own mind, making sure that he knows they’re not leaving.

Diego also rides to the far edges of the land, disappearing for months, trying to look up leads that Five may have missed. Allison enlists a small army of wise men, scholars, and historians, to gather for Five's cause. Luther swallows his pride and accompanies Five as best as he can, despite how complex the depth of his thinking can be. (Luther also finances his coffee addiction - this is often what Five is most grateful for.)

It takes a while before Five learns to reach out every time he needs help, just as much time needed for them to learn to think past themselves and try to help an asshole in need.

At first, Luther wasn’t used to giving out that kind of help, especially for one as caustic as Five. He’s always been polite, and ready to give any assistance when needed, but no matter his intentions, his friend's problems are draining and his recovery is slow and erratic.

A few months after he decides to help Five get better, he makes a very stupid decision that almost upended everything he, Allison, and Diego hvae been trying to do for Five.

In an effort to get Five to curb one of his most extensive coping mechanisms, Luther temporarily bans Five from alcohol. He had every servant under the king's employ refuse to provide the Golden Knight with them. It works about as well as anyone expected it to –

_It didn’t work at all._

Five was already knee-deep in alcoholism by this point, and was understandably incensed by the decision. He found the whole idea of being banned from one of his coping strategies to be degrading, like he was being handled. On the day his servants "somehow ran out of alcohol for about three months," he escapes. He breezes past a few dozen guards assigned to guard him on his way out. He nearly tears the kingdom upside down looking for places still allowed to sell anything strong enough to put him to sleep for a decade.

Luther and Diego came to stop him, but he soundly hands their asses to them in his frustration. He threatens to leave forever, cause _how dare they try to baby him?_

(Hearing this, the look Diego sends Luther was almost lethal enough to melt the skin off his face.)

Luther makes Five agree to a compromise: he’ll get the Chosen One the best alcohol in the kingdom, so long as they’re there to accompany him.

(This makes Five even angrier, but he relents because Diego swore up and down that he’d regret not drinking from the Umbrella Tavern.)

His first night in the Umbrella Tavern… is not the first time he meets Vanya. She was away on business for the first few times Five frequented the place, so she was luckily spared from the sight of Five, Luther, and Diego heavily sloshed and acting like dumbasses.

But when they do meet – it was the start of a love story that many bards often enjoy retelling at parties.

No one expected how much Vanya’s presence would affect Five. It was if he saw the sun come out on the horizon after a long period of dreary early mornings. They got along like a house on fire, and dating her seemed to pull Five out of his own mind like nothing else could.

When the two lovers met, it was like the world breathed a big sigh of relief.

Of course, that wasn’t how Luther saw it at first.

The first time Luther sees Five approach Vanya, he feels a stab of worry work its way around his chest. Five has been known to play with people that interest him by testing their patience first. It’s how he makes friends (which, when Luther, Diego, and Allison think about it, says something about their personalities that they prefer not to think about).

Sir Luther didn’t know Vanya well, but he remembers the days she spent as a shy lady in waiting trailing behind Allison and cowing under his fiancée’s strong teenage personality. He didn’t know her too well even now, of course, but so many people tend to kowtow to Five’s prickliness that he had to ready himself for the inevitable when the Chosen One’s Golden Personality strikes. He’d rather not get a strongly-worded _anything_ from Allison about how their _problem child_ made the kingdom’s best bar maid cry.

So when he sees Vanya turn to Five with something akin to admiration shining brightly in her eyes, Luther thinks, _here we go again._ Another Golden Girl is about to have her expectations crushed by the grumpy old man that the Chosen One really was.

He sees Five open his mouth, and Luther thinks, _don’t do that._ Here comes another incident where Five makes things hard for Luther by being himself.

He sees Five’s face deliver a line with a deadpan look, and Luther stands to defuse the situation immediately. He thinks, _oh no, my alcohol,_ for even renowned generals have to contend with the mile-long waiting list for the Umbrella Tavern, and Luther would like to actually not lose his place in it.

He sees Vanya’s face shift into surprise, and he feels a stab of guilt. He thinks, _this is all my fault. I brought him here._ Allison would probably murder him.

But then he sees Vanya smile, genuinely, as if whatever Five pulled out of his ass was actually charming, and not at all something that would compel her to expel him and his men from the tavern.

 _That_ was when Luther managed to breathe a big sigh of relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter had gone through a lot of edits, not in a grammar and style sense, but more in regards to plot. (I staunchly apologize for any grammar or plot mistakes you may find, as I finished this whole thing half-asleep probably.) 
> 
> I had to decide how Luther plays into Five's life in this AU, and how to end the chapter, and there was just so many ways to do it, that even now I'm not fully satisfied with how some parts came out. But really, this fic is like an ugly baby of mine. It's a crack baby, real all over the place, loose, but it's MY ugly crack baby and I love it and I will raise it to have a suitable ending.

**Author's Note:**

> I know like 10% of how monarchies work, so good luck y'all. I'm sure it won't be an issue in a medieval fantasy with knights and princesses and bards and evil mages. Right.


End file.
